I'm perched - well, slouched, rather - upon my couch and watching this weeks episode of The Bachelor. I begin to wonder if I'm going about the whole romantic relationship thing wrong. I mean, I haven't choreographed a lyrical dance nor gawkily made wishes on fungi-infested decomposing leaves that I so philanderingly* threw up into the air. Do they really talk like that in real life?
It's that time again - the one where Jake, this season's two-timer, goes home to visit the families of the 4 remaining girls. I'm literally cringing in my seat watching this all unfold; I can't decide whether the whole situation is pathetic or simply dense. Probably a combination of both. Now mind you, I'm no cynic, after all I'm a firm believer in love, but going on a tv show seems a bit absurd, and here are my reasons why. I apologize in advance for my cheekiness.
Firstly, it's awkward. If the stuttering and obsessive tears weren't enough, there has to be a camera in your face to quadruple the nervous ticks. I keep going into Comm. major mode - just watching and studying how the two (whichever girl you'd like to envision with Jake, and yes, they're interchangeable) interact screams of insecurities and discomfort, yet, they're "in love?" I can't handle it.
"Hey!"
"Hello..." says girl, as she runs up and gayly leaps into his arms.
"I'm so happy to be here!"
Now, just imagine that with forced smiles and unease written all over it. Painful, right?
Secondly, where do they find these bachelorettes who aren't even bachelorettes to begin with? Married, going through a divorce, still attached to an ex - a lot of excess baggage that I'm sure no man should have to, nor want to deal with. If it's meant to be, it'll happen in time, and once the papers are final.
Thirdly, everything feels forced. Everything feels coerced to some extent - each date perfectly conspired by a talented love-enthusiastic crew of writers and producers. Because it's completely reasonable to go to Hawaii on a first date, or bungee jumping, or have candles that maintain a perfect flame for 20349824 hours. Their only real conversations are about their troubled past relationships, and how they've been hurt, which adds up to a grand interaction total of 45 minutes. Grow up, get over it, and stop being pitiful.
I almost was going to conclude, before a fourth reason just yelled at me. I don't enjoy watching an hour of a guy saying the same thing repeatedly. Nor do I enjoy watching him make out with each girl, either. The more I think of it, I don't even know why the show's ratings are so high. Maybe people like watching other individuals suffer, because that's basically what it is: a three ring circus of deterioration. If I had to sit back and wait for a guy to decide if he'd rather be with me over 3 other girls, I'd be an utter mess. But then again, I'd never put myself in that situation, nor should anyone, which returns me to the beginning of this post: they're densely pathetic. And that goes to all parties involved.
I'm not sure how I was able to write this much on the topic, as it wasn't even supposed to be up for articulation. However, it is what it is, and I just hope ABC gets slapped in a nice, why-are-you-obscuring-reality kind of way. Thank you for taking my mind off of more important things like scrubbing the floors or cleaning out the litter box.
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* A word made up for argument's sake.
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